RED SKELTON'S RECIPE FOR THE PERFECT MARRIAGE

Thanks to Kevin for this one! He’s always good for quality humor!

1. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, have a little beverage,
   good food, and companionship…
   she goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays.
2. We also sleep in separate beds…
   hers is in California and mine is in Texas.
3. I take my wife everywhere…
   but she keeps finding her way back.
4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our
   anniversary. “Somewhere I haven’t been in a long time!” she said…
   so I suggested the kitchen.
5. We always hold hands…if I let go, she shops.
6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric
   bread maker. She said “There are too many gadgets and no place to sit
   down!”… So I bought her an electric chair.
7. My wife told me the car wasn’t running well because
   there was water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was; she told me
   “In the lake.”
8. She got a mud pack and looked great for two days.
   Then the mud fell off.
9. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling “Am I too late
   for the garbage?”… The driver said “No, jump in!”
10. Remember: Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.
11. I married Miss Right…I just didn’t know her
    first name was Always.
12. I haven’t spoken to my wife in 18 months…
    I don’t like to interrupt her.
13. The last fight was my fault though. My wife asked “What’s on the TV?”
    …I said “Dust!”